During the Q&A for the missional parenting workshop, in which my mom did most of the teaching, a young Korean man asked in a somewhat exasperated tone what the father’s role is in parenting, because (in his words), “This is exactly what you see all the time in Chinese families (pointing at my parents)—the wife running the household, while the father just lets her do her thing.”
I did not appreciate his tone nor the fact that he was implying that everything my mom just spoke about only applied to the wife. As my mom was about to begin answering, the man quickly stops her and demands loudly, “I don’t want you to answer! I want to hear from the father!”
After Dad and I both addressed his question briefly, the man proudly launched into his own idea of a father’s role. He told the audience how his sons would celebrate a “coming of age” event at their 13th birthday, at which time the mother handed over all the books on parenting to the father. From that point on, the father took all the responsibility and his “wife does nothing!”
This is unbiblical. Nowhere in the Bible do you find any such concept of a husband and wife getting to trade off responsibility for the training of their children at any point. They are a team all the way. Prov. 1:8 says, "Hear, my son, your father's instruction, and forsake not your mother's teaching." Again Prov. 6:20, "My son, keep your father's commandment, and forsake not your mother's teaching." Prov. 31 records the teachings of King Lemuel's mother to him. When Jesus' parents could not find him for three days because he had gone to the temple, it was his mother who first addressed him. Ephesians 6:4 addresses fathers only, because the father has primary responsibility to lead their children to Christ.
The workshop only lasted 75 minutes. There was not enough time to address the man's question. But if I had the time, this is what I would have said:
1. Please do not make generalizations about Chinese families when you are not Chinese.
2. My mom did most of the teaching in this workshop, because my dad will be doing most of the teaching in tomorrow’s workshop on the challenges of transitioning from being called to beginning full-time pastoral ministry.
3. Everything my mom said about the focus and mental paradigm of missional parenting, about instilling a lifestyle of ministry as a family, of not angering your children, of discipline, instruction, compassion, and grace, etc. applies to both parents. Just because it was a woman speaking, doesn't mean it has no relevance for the father. It would be useless if only one parent has this mindset while the other did something completely different. Parenting is a team effort.
4. It is rude to cut off someone who is kindly trying to answer your question. At least have the courtesy to allow someone to finish speaking before asking for the father's input. Moreover, ask. Don't demand. A woman is not required to submit to any man's commands.
5. Respect is earned. If you demand authority without earning respect, you become a tyrant. I will never be able to respect a man who has to claim authority for himself in order to have it.
6. To address the actual question of what the father's role is, here are some examples of my own father's role in our family:
My dad is my true model of a gentleman—someone who does not feel the need to demand respect from his family. He has earned my respect by his faithful humility in serving his family. As the sole breadwinner for our family, he could not be home with his children as often as my mom could. So naturally, my mom had a greater practical role in discipling and training their children. My dad had to keep a family of six alive. That requires having a job which took up most of the day. However, this does not mean he was not involved in discipling his children when he was with them. Early in the mornings before work, he led our family in reading the Bible together, even though it was brief. In the evenings when he came home, he would never simply plop down in front of the TV or computer as many fathers often do. He would help clean the house, he would eat dinner with his family, he would give the kids their baths, he would look at all the work his kids did that day, he would read bedtime stories to them, and he would pray for each one before they went to bed. One of my earliest memories of my dad is him reading books to me before bed every night. This was before I even went to school.
Dad also organized ministry opportunities for our whole family to participate in together. He was the one who made connections with other ministry leaders so that our whole family could take part in service opportunities together. He brought the boys out to play, went hiking in the Catskills, and taught them how to fix things around the house and do yard work.
A father’s role is carried out through humble, faithful leadership. It isn't a right that he must claim for himself by force. It does not automatically come with respect from his children. It is not a private responsibility, but one carried in partnership with one's wife and in humility under the sovereignty of God who entrusted him with the responsibility in the first place.
